MANDROID COMPANY DELTA COSBY SHARGOYLE
ID3 DESIGNATE J5QR PANCAKES
TRANSCRIPT, INTERROGATION SESSION 17
(Recording begins)
INTERROGATION DROID J5QR PANCAKES: Commence interrogation session hash seventeen. Interrogation subject please state your name clearly for the data tape. Thank you.
INTERROGATION SUBJECT CT2 ARMIN SHALE: (Audible sigh) So, we're gonna go through this again. Fine. Armin Shale. My name is Armin Shale.
ID: Argon Shade. I am sorry, but I can not locate a personnel file for a Plasma Cannon Technician, Second Class, with that designation. Can you please restate your name for the data tape?
IS: Armin Shale. Ar-Min. Shale, S-H-A-L-E.
ID: Sorry, I can not find Armin Eshaley. Do you mean Armin Shale, Grand Navy Plasma Cannon Technician, Second Class?
IS:
ID: Good evening, Technician Shale. Are you comfortable?
IS: Am I comfortable? (Sarcasm detected) Yeah, I'm awesome. How are you?
ID: Diagnostic scan complete. I am fine. Would you like some water, juice, or perhaps a Sanka?
IS: No, strangely enough, sitting in this room for 19 hours just hasn't done much for my appetite.
ID: How are your bowels; do they need to be voided?
IS: Wow, you're literally just gonna keep asking me these gakking questions until I bash my head into the wall.
ID: I can assure you that it is never our intention to induce self-destructive rage in our interview subjects. (Pause) Beginning interview...NOW. Did you sabotage the primary...(searching for euphemistic designation)...PLASMA DRILL on the Keinmond Orbital Battle...err...Keinmond Orbital MINING PLATFORM on Standard Imperial Date 23202.14?
IS: No. For the millionth time, no, I did not sabotage the drill or cannon or whatever the gakk it was. Like I told the last ten mandroids that waddled in here, I was working on some personal business at the time of the first explosion.
ID: Clarify please: personal business?
IS: You know, I was baking some brownies. (Pause) Cheeses, I was in the bog, okay? In the head, the loo, the gents'. I barely had time to zip up my coverall and dash to the EEV before the bulkheads started to shear. I jumped into the evacuation pod right as the blast doors were closing. I mean, I wasn't even anywhere near the cannon when it went up.
ID: Yes, in fact, you were conveniently very far away from the cannon...er...drill at the moment of the initial plasma breach. Records indicate also that you left your post only minutes before the Communion strike team launched its diversionary attack on the Ghataki compound on levels 17 and 18.
IS: I mean, when you gotta go, right?
ID: So, you managed, somehow, to stay completely out of harm's way for the entirety of the skirmish between the Ghataki and the Communion force, emerging from your hiding place only after the initial explosion of the plasma drill...aw, gakk it...CANNON!...to amble casually to a conveniently waiting emergency escape vehicle. Is this the story you would have us believe?
IS: Well, yeah, I guess. Sometimes I get kinda comfortable in the can, and sometimes...I don't know, sometimes, I think I might drift off for a few minutes, just kinda doze. I can see that it looks kinda funny, but really, I was just at the right place at the right time, I guess.
ID: Indeed. Thank you for your time. Terminate interrogation session hash seventeen.
IS: Seriously, there's no sinister conspiracy here. Just a guy who's maybe too comfortable spending long periods of time in the toilet.
ID: Yes. Thank you for your time.
IS: So, I mean, am I, like, good to go? Are we done?
ID: No. A service mandroid will be in to see to your needs shortly. Thank you for your time.
IS: Motherf...
(Recording ends)
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